Choosing Kindness When Life Feels Hard

When the world feels overwhelming, it’s easy to shut down or assume the worst in people. In this episode, we talk about turning to kindness as a way to cope. We explore how choosing empathy, connection, and seeing the humanity in others can shift our perspective and help us move through hard moments with a little more grace.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hey, I'm Elena. And I'm Steph. And this is thanks. I needed that. A 12-minute conversation between friends to boost our mood and redirect our day.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Because otherwise we'll just spin. So take a breath. You're with friends now.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hi.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:25

I'm good. Now that we got all the lighting balanced, because it's sunny, finally.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Oh my gosh. Everyone in New York is like walking around with well, not everyone. No one ever is. Not everyone is walking around with a smile, but a lot of us are. Never a hundred percent smile in New York. What'd you say earlier when we were talking on the phone? I said, if you can't be happy with this first few days of good weather, you said, then you're just not happy.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

It's not about New York. It's just you're just not happy.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

It's about your disposition. Um, so we have we're gonna talk about this idea of kindness as coping. Yes, as a coping strategy. As a coping strategy. And I would like for you to start us off and kind of explain to where this where this came from. This idea of chatting about it came from.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Sure. So the other day I was in the car with Francesca and she needed to look in my calendar for something, and she saw that at the first of the month I have this reminder appointment that says random act of kindness. And she's like, What is this random act of kindness in your calendar? And I said, Oh, it's a Garmin Holmes thing. That's the Garmin calendar. It's something we put on our calendars to remind us to do something kind. It's just kind of like planting a seed to remind people that this is out there as an option. And she was like, Okay, just just because. And I was like, you know, yes, just because, and because it'll make you feel better. Like when you do something kind for someone else, it makes you feel better. And sometimes it got me thinking about how every time I go on social media lately or read any type of news with my consent or without my consent, um, I get totally overwhelmed and and traumatized, you know, at least, you know, by tangentially or you know, by exposure. And I don't believe that we're meant to process this amount of traumatic news um at the rate in which we encounter it. So it got me thinking about this random act of kindness. And so um I was like, you know what? I I actually need to put this into practice because I need some way to manage um the unwanted feelings that I get from reading, you know, news headlines and things, the news around the world, and to manage my own like control for what I can. Like, can I give myself some natural good feelings, some natural like oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine? Like, what can I do to make sure I feel this? And so I go to um I go to a spa every month. I am like I like to say I'm real good to me. And so I get a facial and a massage, and the staff at this spa here locally, I love them. They always call me by name, they're very sweet. Um, it's a it's a nice spa. So obviously some of that is customer service, but I've made some genuine connections with these people to the point where like we hug when I go in. And um, I wanted to do something nice for them because I I always tip the the my practitioners, you know, my facialist and my massage therapist, but but not I don't know if they get tips. So I just went to Starbucks, I bought like 10$10 gift cards and just called them like a late Valentine. Just went in and, you know, when I checked in, I was like, I have a Valentine for you. It's late, but I just wanted you to have a drink on me. And the their reaction was so surprised and appreciative and grateful. And it was just nice to feel empowered to impart kindness and something good. Um, and it doesn't have to be something expensive. I mean,$100 is expensive as a random act, but it doesn't have to be that. You know, at one point I was like, I could just go and get like flowers and tiny, you know, just like little flowers or something. Um, but yeah, it was uh it was helpful for me, and I think it was helpful for them to just like let's just elevate the mood.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Yeah, yeah. I think that um it's interesting. I can't the thing that's coming to mind for me, um, like your your example is around people that help you frequently um and wanting them to be um seen and show gratitude to them. I this is bringing up for me the like the amount of people I interact with a day in a day in New York City, and the amount of people who don't engage at all, like eye contact or holding the door for you. What'd you say?

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Any and any acknowledgement the other day about the elevators, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

And lately, I mean, yes, sometimes I want to be like, oh my god, you're such an idiot. But like lately, what I've been trying to do is just be the one who does the engaging. And if they don't want it, they don't need it. But if it's holding the door, if it's saying, like, oh my gosh, like how your dog's so cute, like, and for me, the engagement is like actually engaging with the human being because New Yorkers can spend the whole day surrounded by millions of people and never talk to anybody.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Yeah. And and it's risky with a stranger. I I I went for people I knew that I could surprise and delight, right? Yeah, yeah. The stranger sometimes it's misconstrued or it's yeah, you know, seen as uh I don't know, pity or charity. But I think what you're talking about is just practicing a level of everyday kindness that everyone's inundated with this stress right now. You can see it on people, uh-huh. It weighs, yeah. And no matter, and it might not be the news, it might be something going on in their lives. Everybody's really trying to manage whatever is happening in their life. And I think it's it's almost like the the piss me off in pivot. Yeah. It's how can I pivot how I'm feeling to impart some level of kindness for me and for someone else? And I I love what you're talking about, just holding the door or complimenting someone's outfit or human interaction for like a split second. A split second of or just a smile, you know, to usually to a woman, because you know, yeah, misconstrue them.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

It's interesting. This is also reminding me of something I meant to tell you about the other day, which is it's in this world. So I was um I think I was walking the dog, or I was walking by myself. I can't remember, but um, and essentially everything in the day was good, but I wasn't feeling really down. I was just feeling like, you know, those days where you're like it was a good day, work is good, like things as I had plans this week, all these things, but I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and like just unsettled, right? And I was like, you know, they say it works. So as I was walking, I was like, in my head, I have great friends, I have a lot of great friends, I have a lovely apartment. I almost have another lovely apartment. My dog is the best. I live in a great city. Um, things are turning around and like I just went down the list in my head. Like a gratitude list. Yeah, like a gratitude list. And then in the moment, I also tried to keep my eyes up in case there was anybody walking by. Because a lot of times when I'm walking the dog, other people are walking their dogs and the dogs will, you know, sniff each other. And and often the other owner won't engage. Really? Yes. Or they'll or they'll just be like slow to, you know, like they'll let the dogs kind of start it, and then I'll be like, hey, they're like, oh, hi, you know, I don't know if they assume that I'm not gonna engage, so I don't want to assume that people are rude. They might their experience in the world might be like nobody ever talks to me.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

Right. Some people don't have chatty people, we don't know what they've been told about like you're too chatty, right? Right, like strangers don't want to know, right? But some strangers, yeah. It's we we were walking this morning, Jim and I, and we had Teddy with us, our dog, and um, these other people were walking with their three dogs, and we passed them, and they sort of like crossed this, they saw us from down the street and they crossed, and I was like, Oh, okay, their dogs must not, you know, be up for saying hello, which is fine. But then we passed them again on a different street, and their dogs were kind of pulling towards us. And I said, She's really friendly if you want to say hello. Yeah, um, no, no worries if you're on your way somewhere. You know, I just kind of wanted to give them the but then the dogs like actually they were like, Oh, this is a puppy, she's a little jumpy, and I was like, She's fine, she goes to school, like she can jump all over. She's like, This is a good practice, yeah. And so they, you know, we had this lovely interaction, but like it was two different interactions with the same people in two blocks. Yeah, it's like you had to give them permission to ask for like well, they said when they're around the school, because we were in front of the middle school, and they said when they're in front of the middle school, they can get really loud, and I just didn't want to disturb the school. Oh, the dogs they got a little rowdy and yeah, they were you know yipping or you know, just making noise, not really barking. So that was the reason that they crossed the street, which was you know, that's not the story I was making up in my head at the time. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

So yeah, anyway, um I think that's my way right now of just being like acknowledging that if I'm feeling a certain way on a certain day, other people might be. Yeah. And so for in coping, just like an engagement of like there's this guy that lives on my block who as soon as the weather's nice until the first snow, he's out on the sidewalk selling his own art. Wow, and like some of it's good. I've never bought a single thing, but he could not be nicer, and like I've always just said, hey, he thinks my dog is so cute, you know. And then the other night I was like, Oh, in my head, I was like, he's gonna talk to me. So bad, but then I was like, you know what, he is, and we had the nicest little conversation, and I was like, Steph, you where do you have to be? Where do you have to be? Yeah, you know, it's six o'clock at night. You can it you're fine, you've got five minutes. The kindness helps, yeah, yeah, because I know sometimes I unleash, I like not unleash, but like if I'm feeling a certain way, feeling maybe disconnected or lonely, and someone I I might be like walk away, be like, oh my god, I was just so chatty with that person because I haven't talked to anybody all day.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah. You know, yeah, and we're emitting some kind of energy of like anxiety or you know, sadness, loneliness, whatever it is we're dealing with. But yeah, I like this go-to of like I can cope through kindness to some other person or to myself. And using what's a kindness to yourself one? Um, watching a show by myself to just sort of um allow myself to kind of dissociate. That might be numbing, but just sort of taking a break from my phone or feeling like I need to do something. Another kind of it might be like a it might be a coffee drink, actually, in the afternoon, or at night it's a bath. It might be just, you know, just sitting and doing nothing. Just yeah, sitting on it.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

So that the sink is empty and the coffee, like so, you know, and then even if I don't feel like it, like not that I even if I don't feel like I physically need to, um I like take a shower and put on fresh PJs and like have a whole window moment. Yeah. And like just taking a shower every night before bed has become this way of me of just like closing the day down.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Yeah. Yeah, whatever ritual gives you that sort of mental look.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

But I think that's like a kind thing to do for myself. A bath is a kind thing to do for yourself to like to cope. Like you know, it's not even like you know, I know you and I are aligned, the world's on fucking fire. Yeah, it's been on fire since 2016, basically, it feels like. I mean, maybe longer, but you know what I mean. Um and and then also we have our lives, and sometimes our lives feel like they're on fire.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I'm just trying to like process my own trauma. But then I don't want to compare it to like world trauma, but I'm dealing with both of them.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

And trying to um figure out how to keep showing up.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

And to bring it back to what we said like five minutes ago, a lot most other people are doing the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

Yeah, exactly. So yeah, I think I think kindness can go a long way. I think thinking about kindness, what is a kindness for yourself? Like actually just if you're listening right now, after you're done listening, like take a second and think about what what it means to show yourself some kindness, yeah, or what kind of kindness you could practice for someone in your life who shows up for you or um even a stranger.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Yeah you know, you could like it'll make you feel better. Try it on.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Yeah. Yeah. Might make you feel better.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

All of a sudden everybody has Starbucks gift cards in their purse.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Go buy a fire station with food.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Go buy a, you know and a phone number. And a headshot of my friends. Here's my homemade meatballs and my business card. Oh, okay, everybody. On that note, yeah, thank you for influence me. Wait, you have to influence me. Oh, influence. Sorry. Okay. Both of these are inspired by our trip to Florida, which feels like it was three years ago. Um just one per episode. Yes, I know. I know. I only have one. Um you had a version of this in the bathroom, and I didn't, I don't think I said anything in the moment because I was like, oh, I used to have one of those like that, but I didn't like the one I had. And so I got a new one. Oh, it's uh makeup, like a toiletry case. Yeah, it's the okay. It's like a clamshell. Yeah, it's long, it's like it's narrow, like a loaf of bread. It's basically the size of a loaf of bread.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

Yeah, it's a rectangle, but it opens on that diagonal. Then it's whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

It's fantastic. I had one a few years ago that I got, and it was like um fake leathery, and it was like just too hard. It like this one I love. Did you get it on Amazon? I did.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

It's called Bag Smart. I think mine's called Ichi, like E-A-C-H-Y, like Beachy without the B.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

Oh, okay, yeah. So I love it. And like using it at home, it goes right in the drawer, done. Boom.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

Perfect.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

That's mine. What about you? Minus therapy.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Speaking of kindness is coping, yeah, minus therapy. If it's if it's been a while since you've been to therapy and you can make space and you can afford it, I think it's some of the best use of money to help you process whatever is happening in your life and to show up a kinder version to yourself, yeah, and um to the people around you that you really want to love well.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

And you know, we aren't sponsored here, but my therapist I found through Talkspace, which is one of the which is one of the online platforms. Oh it takes my insurance, I pay$50 copay. Wow. That's I used to have it, you know, elsewhere in other forums back uh the last time I was in therapy, but um, and I know we gotta go, but the thing about therapy that I want to share is that it's we all know why. Well, we don't maybe we don't, but one of the things about it, right, is that you have this unbiased person helping you navigate whatever's going on in your life. But then when you choose to talk to somebody in your life about what's going on with you, it's like you're coming to them with like, hey, I want to tell you what like I'm learning about this or like what I've figured out versus I want to lay it all on you. Right. Yes. So when you and I talk about shit in our life, a lot of times you'd be like, I talked to my therapist about it, and this is kind of what we unpacked. And it actually invites us into a really meaningful conversation.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

It does, because I'm not talking at you. I'm sort of like, here's what I'm processing. Yeah, and here's what I've learned. And you're like, oh, I had something like that, or yeah.

unknown 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Anyway, therapy and makeup bags. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. And if you needed this, please share it with someone else who might need it too. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Bye.

unknown 17:54

Bye.